"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
When people ask me about our unborn baby, I become easily agitated. Not because of their comments, but the reminder that my life is changing once again grips me.
We waited close to two years for the miracle we believed would never come. In fact, we were so sure, we prepared to move on with foster care and adoption. Both are also desires of our hearts.
In our quest to find our child, I became so comfortable with the idea of adopting that I abandoned the longing to carry a child. I exchanged my hearts desire for contempt in the God who gave me my empty womb. So many couples told of their own success stories, but I didn't want that to be us. In my mind it could never be us. We were God's abandon.
Then the second tuesday in October 2010, it happened, the test was positive. I didn't believe it, and not out of shock, but in my heart I felt it was not real. I passed it off as a mistake.
Six more tests later, it finally sank in.
This should be the end the story, but...
In the next few weeks we struggled with many physical problems. My anger toward God grew as I felt like a rat in a cage, being taunted with freedom. I didn't understand why God would grant this desire, then wrap it more hurt. I felt we had suffered enough. I felt fostering a child, adopting would have been easier, something God couldn't attack.
But God longs for us to know him, the real HIM. And He sought me, sought to comfort me. As I read scripture and spoke with others, He sought me. As I walked outside in bitter cold and watched the winter skys, He sought me.
God, creater of the universe, who I felt had left me in the dust, sought me. Even though I ran from him....He never ran from me.
Take heart in the real GOD....because HE is soooo BIG
