I gave it to God and He gave me two dead babies.
This last year I have come to know the one true God. He has become as real to me as the heart beating in my chest. His love for me, has consumed my heart and captivated the depths of my soul. I am changed. God is living and breathing in me and I want more of him.
So I asked him to make me passionate about the path I was on. Let's face it moms, this is a hard job with hidden rewards that can be hard to see. And he did. No I mean he really did. I absolutely love this job. I love to do laundry and scrub poop off toilets in the middle of the night. I love to drive all the way into town just to give my husband something he forgot (ummmm gas for the car 😄, it's a good story, you should ask him). All these little things that I used to make me feel useless have made me feel useful and have fulfilled my life.
So much so that I felt I could give God another part of my life. We decided to let go of our family size and give it to God. It's a big scary step because I am a planner and you can't plan babies. It's hard because I'm not a natural mother (seriously I can't clean worth anything and the Internet is the only reason I can cook edible food...and diapers....yuck!) it's hard because babies cost money and take time from our other children and family. It's hard because- there are a lot of reasons we were ready to be done having babies.
But something has awakend in my heart, a surrender to a will greater than my own. I felt safe giving this area of our lives to God, I knew he wouldn't let me down.
We got pregnant right away. I found out thanksgiving day. But it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't, so I didnt tell anyone. In fact I resolved I was not pregnant and forgot about it. Well my body was changing and I was having morning sickness. I was in denile, I thought I had food allergies. Until I miscarried. I was 6-8 weeks when I miscarried. Joe and I had finally escaped for a weekend. We had many fun things planned, but I was so sick and in a lot of pain. We got to our hotel and I miscarried there. In the bathroom. I passed the tissue of was had been my little baby. I just flushed it down the toilet. For some reason that was so hard. It felt like so little to do for such a loved little one. And I felt empty. It's a hole nothing can fill.
We had a special Christmas dinner for Joes work. So I didn't tell him. I just wanted to enjoy our time together. A few weeks later I was able to tell Joe. He is a strong, sweet, encouraging man. I'm so blessed.
A month later I was having more stomach pain. I called my midwife and she encouraged me to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Joe was a couple hours out of town so I called him. With tears I barely spoke the words out loud. It was not the good news. I knew this pain very well.
We had some choices to make, go into the doctor ASAP and rule out the dangerous stuff, or wait until it hurt too much to stand and pray that maybe this little one would be spared. We opted to wait. It was a Friday. We also chose to announce our pregnancy and spent the weekend celebrating this little life. We chose to tell Sam. Monday morning we had an ultrasound confirming our suspicions. Our baby was gone. I was empty. It's a hole nothing can fill. We picked Sam up from a friends house and the first thing he said "mommy is our baby ok". I told him no. He said "It's ok our baby is in heaven."
I gave it to you God, and this is what you did with my trust.
"The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord"
The mourning has been great for me. My fragile heart is bleeding.
I am broken.
"The rain falls on the just and the unjust"
But peace has overtaken me. This same peace that led me to surrender to God has not filled this empty hole.
"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
I am still broken, but I have a joy that will more than sustain me. I still cry when I see baby clothing or think of precious little hands I will never hold. My heart hurts when Sam asks if he will ever have a little brother or when he talks about his baby in Heaven. I wonder if these two who have now joined our other babies in Heaven will be our last. These are earthly hurts and I don't believe they ever go away. But this pain leads me seek God more fervently, more passionately. He is more real than he was before this emptiness came to stay.
My prayer is that you will read this story and seek out true love. This lover desires to be more intimate than any earthly romance. He wants to take you to a place of ecstasy, that requires nothing more than the release of yourself. And His true holy word gives you all the directions.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that he who believes would have eternal life" life beyond earthly pain.
And my fellow believers, are you genuinely seeking through your pain and tears? Have they drug you down or pushed you to seek God even more. Friends these struggles are earthly and as long as you are on earth, you will have them. Death will come, pain, sickness, poverty. Emptiness will stay.
But you don't have to be these things, you can be like Christ and "count your struggles as blessings". Use them to cry out to God, give him your anger, your tears, your bad days and big deals. He can take it.
"Come to me when you are weary and heavy laden for my yoke is easy and my burden is light, and you will find rest for your souls"
This rest is real.
