I gave it to God and he gave me death

I gave it to God and He gave me two dead babies.

This last year I have come to know the one true God. He has become as real to me as the heart beating in my chest. His love for me, has consumed my heart and captivated the depths of my soul. I am changed. God is living and breathing in me and I want more of him. 

So I asked him to make me passionate about the path I was on. Let's face it moms, this is a hard job with hidden rewards that can be hard to see. And he did. No I mean he really did. I absolutely love this job. I love to do laundry and scrub poop off toilets in the middle of the night. I love to drive all the way into town just to give my husband something he forgot (ummmm gas for the car 😄, it's a good story, you should ask him). All these little things that I used to make me feel useless have made me feel useful and have fulfilled my life. 

So much so that I felt I could give God another part of my life. We decided to let go of our family size and give it to God. It's a big scary step because I am a planner and you can't plan babies. It's hard because I'm not a natural mother (seriously I can't clean worth anything and the Internet is the only reason I can cook edible food...and diapers....yuck!) it's hard because babies cost money and take time from our other children and family. It's hard because- there are a lot of reasons we were ready to be done having babies. 

But something has awakend in my heart, a surrender to a will greater than my own. I felt safe giving this area of our lives to God, I knew he wouldn't let me down. 

We got pregnant right away. I found out thanksgiving day. But it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't, so I didnt tell anyone. In fact I resolved I was not pregnant and forgot about it. Well my body was changing and I was having morning sickness. I was in denile, I thought I had food allergies. Until I miscarried. I was 6-8 weeks when I miscarried. Joe and I had finally escaped for a weekend. We had many fun things planned, but I was so sick and in a lot of pain. We got to our hotel and I miscarried there. In the bathroom. I passed the tissue of was had been my little baby. I just flushed it down the toilet. For some reason that was so hard. It felt like so little to do for such a loved little one. And I felt empty. It's a hole nothing can fill. 

 We had a special Christmas dinner for Joes work. So I didn't tell him. I just wanted to enjoy our time together. A few weeks later I was able to tell Joe. He is a strong, sweet, encouraging man. I'm so blessed. 

A month later I was having more stomach pain. I called my midwife and she encouraged me to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Joe was a couple hours out of town so I called him. With tears I barely spoke the words out loud. It was not the good news. I knew this pain very well. 

We had some choices to make, go into the doctor ASAP and rule out the dangerous stuff, or wait until it hurt too much to stand and pray that maybe this little one would be spared. We opted to wait. It was a Friday. We also chose to announce our pregnancy and spent the weekend celebrating this little life. We chose to tell Sam. Monday morning we had an ultrasound confirming our suspicions. Our baby was gone. I was empty. It's a hole nothing can fill. We picked Sam up from a friends house and the first thing he said "mommy is our baby ok". I told him no. He said "It's ok our baby is in heaven." 

I gave it to you God, and this is what you did with my trust.

"The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord" 

The mourning has been great for me. My fragile heart is bleeding. 

I am broken.

"The rain falls on the just and the unjust" 

But peace has overtaken me. This same peace that led me to surrender to God has not filled this empty hole. 

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." 

I am still broken, but I have a joy that will more than sustain me. I still cry when I see baby clothing or think of precious little hands I will never hold. My heart hurts when Sam asks if he will ever have a little brother or when he talks about his baby in Heaven. I wonder if these two who have now joined our other babies in Heaven will be our last. These are earthly hurts and I don't believe they ever go away. But this pain leads me seek God more fervently, more passionately. He is more real than he was before this emptiness came to stay. 

My prayer is that you will read this story and seek out true love. This lover desires to be more intimate than any earthly romance. He wants to take you to a place of ecstasy, that requires nothing more than the release of yourself. And His true holy word gives you all the directions. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that he who believes would have eternal life" life beyond earthly pain. 

And my fellow believers, are you genuinely seeking through your pain and tears? Have they drug you down or pushed you to seek God even more. Friends these struggles are earthly and as long as you are on earth, you will have them. Death will come, pain, sickness, poverty. Emptiness will stay. 

But you don't have to be these things, you can be like Christ and "count your struggles as blessings". Use them to cry out to God, give him your anger, your tears, your bad days and big deals. He can take it. 

"Come to me when you are weary and heavy laden for my yoke is easy and my burden is light, and you will find rest for your souls" 

This rest is real. 

She's 2

Adalyn will be 2 in just one week.

She is still just a little peanut. Weighing in at 20lbs after some ice cream.

 She is a little spit fire. 

She is very passionate and bold. 

She loves to "read" and play all by herself. 

She loves sugar and fruit, and hot dogs. 

She would rather go hungry than eat something she doesn't like. (She may have gotten that from her mom). 

She does talk and can say lots of words and phrases. But she doesn't talk around people she doesn't know. She will smile and work to make someone laugh, but doesn't need any words. 

She looks a lot like daddy. 

But has Papa Fred's eyes. 

She loves music. Dancing and singing are her favorite things. And we get to enjoy her performances frequently, though she usually requires audience participation. 

She loves to be snuggled and loved. She loves it when you whisper in her ear. She will grab your face and stick it to her ear if she wants to hear from you. 

My favorite thing...Adalyn calls Sam...Yam. It's so cute sometimes she even calls him Yammy. 

She is loving to her brother and constantly mimics him. They have a sweet relationship. 

Adalyn is all about daddy right now. She asks about him all day and loves to "ring" bring him treats at work. She now refers to herself as baby because that's what daddy calls her and she will be sure to correct you if you call her Adalyn. 

She loves calling Nana, Papa and her other family on the phone. 

She also loves to "wing" swing at the park. Whenever we drive by she gets excited. She loves to go on long walks and even walks our dog holding the leash all by herself. I love watching her gain confidence. 

She is constantly moving and exploring. 

She always asks me to sing to her when I lay her down to bed. It's a special time where I sing a prayer or Jesus loves you. It's the shortest time of the day, but the most wonderful moment. 

Dear little lady, our joy has been watching you grow and change. I love you, I pray you grow to understand to depths of God's love. How wide, how long how vast is His great love for you. 

Happy Birthday 

Love Mommy 

To My Little Ones

So much of this part of life is a struggle. It seems tears, sickness and confusion are common place. But those few sweet moments, those gentle, tender times are so precious. My dear little children as I sit typing at a very later hour than I would normally desire, I cannot help but be mesmerized by you. Sam you are a meek warrior, so much is a head of you. Dear Adalyn you are a strong willed fighter who will do great things. And you are worth every tear I have shed, every pain I have felt, every hormone that has turned me into a monster. You are precious and every minute I spend with you I become more of who God wants me to be. More of the best version of myself. You are a wonder beyond measure my sweet little children. Thank you for this sleepless night, because it will be gone tomorrow and unheard of in a few years. 

Sam thank you for interrupting my bath to say hi and saying thank you for ice cream. Adalyn thank you for crying because you just want to be near me, and insisting on carrying your little doll everywhere. I never thought I would find who I was in someone else, but I am so glad God made it happen this way. 

You are treasured my darlings, a gift that cannot be replaced. And I am me because you are you. No one else will understand that like us and maybe we will forget too, but right now I am me because you are you and for that I am grateful. 

GoodNight little ones

-love mom

Confession: I Don't Sleep

I really don't, most nights I average 3-4 hours. My kids sleep almost all night now and with a few exceptions, have for several months. But I still find little rest. I say this not in complaint, because I am blessed with life, love and so many other things. I am great full, but sometimes I see mole hills as mountains. And sometimes 

My heart is wrought with sorrow. Overwhelmed by the constant stress of the last 3 years. 

When night falls I am left alone with memories, to-do lists, and no noise to calm my thoughts. Some nights, like tonight, it drives me mad. Some nights I awake from sleep in shear panic screaming for no reason at all. And it is so easy to become discouraged, to sit and dwell on past, pain and imperfections. Thinking of what could have been can over take all this IS precious right now. There are days, even weeks I surrender to these things. In them I find misery, anxiety and a pain. 

And I believe a large part of those who have shared these experiences feel the same. Pehaps you to have sorrow that cannot be stilled. 

But:

"Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery. “ LORD, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he broke down their prison gates of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron.

He turns the fruitful land into salty wastelands, because of the wickedness of those who live there. But he also turns deserts into pools of water, the dry land into springs of water. He brings the hungry to settle there and to build their cities.

When they decrease in number and become impoverished through oppression, trouble, and sorrow, the LORD pours contempt on their princes, causing them to wander in trackless wastelands. But he rescues the poor from trouble and increases their families like flocks of sheep. The godly will see these things and be glad, while the wicked are struck silent. Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the LORD. (Psalms 107:8-16, 34-36, 39-43 NLT)

Oh what a struggle to take captive painful thoughts. It is easier to live in grief rather than bear it for its time and then release it. It is a constant and by constant I mean daily battle, to look at what God has done and give thanks. To look at life lost and give thanks for what we had and how I am changed. 

I don't know if I I will ever be "free" of night terrors. And I'm ok with that. 

When I hurt my ankle someone felt the need to pray for me. She prayed for immediate healing and that I would be free. It didn't work. Bummer! I was out for about 5weeks! I missed the 1/2 marathon I had been training for. Does that mean God didn't care, no! Was he just not listening? No! He had a different plan. God does not promise us immediate healing or life on earth. We haved buried a child, a father, an uncle, an aunt, and a niece. In the last two years. Oh the ache in my heart! But I have seen God. I know him more than a friend, I know him. Because I have been desperate and empty, I know his hurt. I know sacrifice and suffering, and I know I do not deserve the grace given to me on the cross. I don't deserve immediate healing, I haven't earned it. But God has promised me life with him in Heavan, and rest for my weary heart on earth. (John 3:16/ Matt 11:30) So tonight I will dig into God's word, I will pray, I will cry and ache. I will feel desperately empty, I will miss a baby I haven't held, a father I long to hug, and many more sweet people I wish I could be with. But I will find peace and sleep. 

Tonight I will spend 8 hours in bed, 3 of them wishing, waiting, in unrest. Then 1 in surrender, open to unconditional love, and then 3 in peaceful sleep. 

      "Come to me all who are weary and burden...you will find rest" -Matt 11:30 

Mommy

Being mommy is so difficult. It's mentally and physically demanding. But mostly it's messy and loud. And whenever I get close to being done, it happens.

 one of those beautiful moments that make the 2hrs of sleep worth it, and the extra skin on my tummy and the mess I just cleaned... Again, these little moments become worth it. Pearls of great value and reflections of our wonderful Heavenly Father.

He was riding down the "big hill" on his bike. Sam shook with fear, he put on the brakes and wouldn't go. Then his little voice

"Mom will you hold my hand"

Dumb, practical me

"You won't be able ride your bike down..." And a few other excuses that made no sense to my frightened boy who desperately needed me.

Sam grabbed my hand and held on tight, real right. His bike was right next to me. I always tell him it's ok to fall and get hurt. You don't have to be afraid of falling, you just have to get back up.

But he wasn't afraid of falling, he just didn't want to be alone. He wanted my presence, my hand, and we went hand in hand the rest of his bike ride. I am his security.

Some day he won't need me to hold his hand. But I'm so glad I got to hold it today.

And I will never grow out of m Heavenly Father. I can always hold his hand through scripture, prayer, and time with my family. He gains great joy from helping us. Do we need his pressence like a child needs their mommy? Is God my security? I beg God to give me a hunger and thrust for righteousness and to let me look only to him.

Thank you for holding my hand Sam. I will never forget our little ride around the block. 

Sam the 3year old Man

I could handle getting married, having a baby, even having 2 babies but Sam is not a baby anymore and I don't feel grown up enough to be his momma.

He is a treasure. He is compliant and generally needs to only be corrected once or twice before obeying. He loves kisses, hugs and words of affection. He is constantly telling me he loves me and thank you and the list goes on. He loves to help and frequently creates contraptions to help do a task. They don't alway work the way he was planning, but he is not shy about working till he gets it right. One of his best buds is an engineering friend we have. He frequently tells us of similar things he did as a child. My favorite moment this year was when Sam made a toilet in the living room... And used it(: Sam is most certainly going to change the world.

He enjoys people but has an introverted side and really struggled in large groups. 

He has changed so much since he was born or even one or two. I absolutely adore spending time with him. Any adventure is a good one! 

We are seriously considering home school. We love being a family. And I can't imagine him being gone all day. I am often told I need a break and will want him gone, but the older he gets the more I want to spend time with him. 

He loves to laugh and to make others laugh. He fills our house with great joy.

 Dear sweet Samuel, may you know the deep love of the God who hears. For you have been this love to us. 

Love Mom

The Toilet

Potty training has been a unique experience (only 2nd to breast feeding). 

I mean you leave the house with a clean dry toddler and return with a wet stinky toddler and a bag of wet clothing. 

Sam "gets" it but suffers from no routine. Going out of te country, buying a house, moving, new baby, and many other "bigger" life events have really made it hard for Sam to stick with it. And that's ok. 

But now he is really starting to get it. I know because he understands you pee in the toilet. He grasps this concept so well that he has resorted to building his own commode when suitable facilities cannot be found. 

This occurred last week while I was deep cleaning our stove. Sam had collected all the parts to the burners without my knowledge and was stacking them in the living room. He was deeply intrenched in his work, creating a master piece. I glanced over at him and noticed he had pulled his pants down and was squatting over his creation.

Me "Sam what are you doing?"

Sam "I'm peeing in the little potty I made mommy, isn't it nice." 

Me (laughing so hard I couldn't get much out) " we are supposed to pee in the big potty Sam"

Sam "oh, the one daddy made in the bathroom. That's a nice big potty. I like that one mommy...(pause) so I can't pee in my little potty?"

****note we have never used a child's toilet with Sam just an adult toilet with a seat insert***

Here he has painted himself for my birthday