To My Little Ones

So much of this part of life is a struggle. It seems tears, sickness and confusion are common place. But those few sweet moments, those gentle, tender times are so precious. My dear little children as I sit typing at a very later hour than I would normally desire, I cannot help but be mesmerized by you. Sam you are a meek warrior, so much is a head of you. Dear Adalyn you are a strong willed fighter who will do great things. And you are worth every tear I have shed, every pain I have felt, every hormone that has turned me into a monster. You are precious and every minute I spend with you I become more of who God wants me to be. More of the best version of myself. You are a wonder beyond measure my sweet little children. Thank you for this sleepless night, because it will be gone tomorrow and unheard of in a few years. 

Sam thank you for interrupting my bath to say hi and saying thank you for ice cream. Adalyn thank you for crying because you just want to be near me, and insisting on carrying your little doll everywhere. I never thought I would find who I was in someone else, but I am so glad God made it happen this way. 

You are treasured my darlings, a gift that cannot be replaced. And I am me because you are you. No one else will understand that like us and maybe we will forget too, but right now I am me because you are you and for that I am grateful. 

GoodNight little ones

-love mom

Confession: I Don't Sleep

I really don't, most nights I average 3-4 hours. My kids sleep almost all night now and with a few exceptions, have for several months. But I still find little rest. I say this not in complaint, because I am blessed with life, love and so many other things. I am great full, but sometimes I see mole hills as mountains. And sometimes 

My heart is wrought with sorrow. Overwhelmed by the constant stress of the last 3 years. 

When night falls I am left alone with memories, to-do lists, and no noise to calm my thoughts. Some nights, like tonight, it drives me mad. Some nights I awake from sleep in shear panic screaming for no reason at all. And it is so easy to become discouraged, to sit and dwell on past, pain and imperfections. Thinking of what could have been can over take all this IS precious right now. There are days, even weeks I surrender to these things. In them I find misery, anxiety and a pain. 

And I believe a large part of those who have shared these experiences feel the same. Pehaps you to have sorrow that cannot be stilled. 

But:

"Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery. “ LORD, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he broke down their prison gates of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron.

He turns the fruitful land into salty wastelands, because of the wickedness of those who live there. But he also turns deserts into pools of water, the dry land into springs of water. He brings the hungry to settle there and to build their cities.

When they decrease in number and become impoverished through oppression, trouble, and sorrow, the LORD pours contempt on their princes, causing them to wander in trackless wastelands. But he rescues the poor from trouble and increases their families like flocks of sheep. The godly will see these things and be glad, while the wicked are struck silent. Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the LORD. (Psalms 107:8-16, 34-36, 39-43 NLT)

Oh what a struggle to take captive painful thoughts. It is easier to live in grief rather than bear it for its time and then release it. It is a constant and by constant I mean daily battle, to look at what God has done and give thanks. To look at life lost and give thanks for what we had and how I am changed. 

I don't know if I I will ever be "free" of night terrors. And I'm ok with that. 

When I hurt my ankle someone felt the need to pray for me. She prayed for immediate healing and that I would be free. It didn't work. Bummer! I was out for about 5weeks! I missed the 1/2 marathon I had been training for. Does that mean God didn't care, no! Was he just not listening? No! He had a different plan. God does not promise us immediate healing or life on earth. We haved buried a child, a father, an uncle, an aunt, and a niece. In the last two years. Oh the ache in my heart! But I have seen God. I know him more than a friend, I know him. Because I have been desperate and empty, I know his hurt. I know sacrifice and suffering, and I know I do not deserve the grace given to me on the cross. I don't deserve immediate healing, I haven't earned it. But God has promised me life with him in Heavan, and rest for my weary heart on earth. (John 3:16/ Matt 11:30) So tonight I will dig into God's word, I will pray, I will cry and ache. I will feel desperately empty, I will miss a baby I haven't held, a father I long to hug, and many more sweet people I wish I could be with. But I will find peace and sleep. 

Tonight I will spend 8 hours in bed, 3 of them wishing, waiting, in unrest. Then 1 in surrender, open to unconditional love, and then 3 in peaceful sleep. 

      "Come to me all who are weary and burden...you will find rest" -Matt 11:30 

Mommy

Being mommy is so difficult. It's mentally and physically demanding. But mostly it's messy and loud. And whenever I get close to being done, it happens.

 one of those beautiful moments that make the 2hrs of sleep worth it, and the extra skin on my tummy and the mess I just cleaned... Again, these little moments become worth it. Pearls of great value and reflections of our wonderful Heavenly Father.

He was riding down the "big hill" on his bike. Sam shook with fear, he put on the brakes and wouldn't go. Then his little voice

"Mom will you hold my hand"

Dumb, practical me

"You won't be able ride your bike down..." And a few other excuses that made no sense to my frightened boy who desperately needed me.

Sam grabbed my hand and held on tight, real right. His bike was right next to me. I always tell him it's ok to fall and get hurt. You don't have to be afraid of falling, you just have to get back up.

But he wasn't afraid of falling, he just didn't want to be alone. He wanted my presence, my hand, and we went hand in hand the rest of his bike ride. I am his security.

Some day he won't need me to hold his hand. But I'm so glad I got to hold it today.

And I will never grow out of m Heavenly Father. I can always hold his hand through scripture, prayer, and time with my family. He gains great joy from helping us. Do we need his pressence like a child needs their mommy? Is God my security? I beg God to give me a hunger and thrust for righteousness and to let me look only to him.

Thank you for holding my hand Sam. I will never forget our little ride around the block. 

Sam the 3year old Man

I could handle getting married, having a baby, even having 2 babies but Sam is not a baby anymore and I don't feel grown up enough to be his momma.

He is a treasure. He is compliant and generally needs to only be corrected once or twice before obeying. He loves kisses, hugs and words of affection. He is constantly telling me he loves me and thank you and the list goes on. He loves to help and frequently creates contraptions to help do a task. They don't alway work the way he was planning, but he is not shy about working till he gets it right. One of his best buds is an engineering friend we have. He frequently tells us of similar things he did as a child. My favorite moment this year was when Sam made a toilet in the living room... And used it(: Sam is most certainly going to change the world.

He enjoys people but has an introverted side and really struggled in large groups. 

He has changed so much since he was born or even one or two. I absolutely adore spending time with him. Any adventure is a good one! 

We are seriously considering home school. We love being a family. And I can't imagine him being gone all day. I am often told I need a break and will want him gone, but the older he gets the more I want to spend time with him. 

He loves to laugh and to make others laugh. He fills our house with great joy.

 Dear sweet Samuel, may you know the deep love of the God who hears. For you have been this love to us. 

Love Mom

The Toilet

Potty training has been a unique experience (only 2nd to breast feeding). 

I mean you leave the house with a clean dry toddler and return with a wet stinky toddler and a bag of wet clothing. 

Sam "gets" it but suffers from no routine. Going out of te country, buying a house, moving, new baby, and many other "bigger" life events have really made it hard for Sam to stick with it. And that's ok. 

But now he is really starting to get it. I know because he understands you pee in the toilet. He grasps this concept so well that he has resorted to building his own commode when suitable facilities cannot be found. 

This occurred last week while I was deep cleaning our stove. Sam had collected all the parts to the burners without my knowledge and was stacking them in the living room. He was deeply intrenched in his work, creating a master piece. I glanced over at him and noticed he had pulled his pants down and was squatting over his creation.

Me "Sam what are you doing?"

Sam "I'm peeing in the little potty I made mommy, isn't it nice." 

Me (laughing so hard I couldn't get much out) " we are supposed to pee in the big potty Sam"

Sam "oh, the one daddy made in the bathroom. That's a nice big potty. I like that one mommy...(pause) so I can't pee in my little potty?"

****note we have never used a child's toilet with Sam just an adult toilet with a seat insert***

Here he has painted himself for my birthday 

1 year\ princess edition

April 15th somewhere around 11:30pm we saw our little girl face to face. An easier pregnancy followed by a dream birth and there she was in my arms. It was my privilege to hold her first and it is still my privilege to be the first one she goes to(most of the time...daddy is a close second)

 dear sweet girl, though this blog doesn't follow your life as closely as your brothers, you have equal space in my heart and hands. Having 2 makes jotting down quick memories or monthly posts much more challenging. So I pray and ask God to hold these memories for me and bring them up when my kids are too big to hold and I don't have to squish all this goodness into my tierd brain. 

The year has zoomed by. Adalyn was a content baby. 

She has always slept good or decent(yeah!)... Except last night and continues to be a joyful happy girl. 

Smiling and laughing are her favorite! She does them both constantly.

 She ADORES daddy and often will choose daddy over mommy. 

She is starting to show a quick temper and nasty tantrums but will calm herself and move on.

She loves to get dirty and wet but does not like baths. 

She loves seeing Sam in the morning and always makes a big show of giggles, and squeals whenever he comes in the room. 

She can crawl and will walk with assistance for short distances

She says da, mum, no, yup, and other words I can't remember (that's the multiple children thing)

She is a social butterfly and makes faces at any and everyone but doesn't want to go with people she doesn't know

She has 6 going on 8 teeth and is not shy about using them to show her anger or excitement (owe!)

Still nurses and eats any and all solids. 

She loves chocolate which she got into one day all by herself, now if I have anything dark brown she dives and screams for it. She loves strawberries, apples, peas, avacodo, cucumbers, bell peppers, chicken and crackers. That's about all she will eat on a regular basis. 

She weighs 18lbs and is in 12 months clothing. She is tall and skinny like her daddy and brother.

Her hair is blonde with little strawberry highlights. 

She loves havin toenail polish on, I can't wait to do spa days together(:

Her favorite book is Chomp Chomp Zoo. It's a board book with bold colors that has a little pull strip which makes animals mouths move up and down. We make all the animal souds together. Her favorite is hissing like a kimono dragon. 

She loves dancing in daddies arms. They tirwl all over the house together. 

Happy Birthday little princess, you are loved so dearly. I'm exited To see were God takes you.

      A weeks old(; with auntie tarsha

A few months old with auntie Lindsay 

Sleeping buddies 

World traveler at 10months old (beach in Panama) 

Brother hugs rock(until they hurt)

Making a mess

Happy Birthday Adalyn Kate 

A Fresh Start: buying our first home

While most Americans families purchase a home around this time in their lives, I can't convey to you how much this purchase is a complete act of God giving us grace and overcoming sin. 

See about 5 years ago we were in a dreadful state. After just one year of marriage we dug ourselves into a deep pit of debt. We started over, sold our little mobile home and moved into an apartment. We started living in our means but still saved nothing. By this time we felt we could handle a morgate payment while paying off the debt we had accumulated. But much to our dismay, the banker laughed us out of her office. See informed us we would never be able to purchase a home... Unless we made triple what we were making. 

We were very discouraged, after all we had changed most of our habits and were "comfortable" with our situation. Thankfully some friends of ours were looking for tenants, so we moved into a wonderful home for a more than fair price. This move allowed us to pay off all of our remaining credit card debt, cars, all but student loans. We once again looked into purchasing a home and were turned down. Discouraged again we went up and down, spending, not spending. Basically growing up financially through lots of mistakes.

God knew we weren't ready for a morgate. Even when we were finally approved for a home loan, plans kept falling through. Homes we wanted sold in record time, causing us to eventually reexamine our list of "must haves". 

We are now under contract. I'm amazed. I can't believe we have come this far. The home is not what I thought it would be, but it's what God wants it to be. And that's really all that matters. It may fall through, but we gave God the reins, so I'm not worried. Hes much better at driving than we are. His sense of direction is out of this world! I trust wherever he takes us.

I hope this encourages you who are needing a fresh start. There is no depth or pit (financial, addiction, anything) nothing that He cannot overcome. You must learn to not care... Not care if live or die, have a house or a card board box, eat rice or steak. You must care that every action or "transaction" honors God. If you are in a financial pit, pray before every purchase (even if it is $0.25) ask God if it is worthy of spending his money on (it's all God's anyway). If your pit is food pray before it goes in your shopping cart or your mouth. God numbers the hairs on your head, he cares for every part of you. Don't let anything be too small for him. And be encouraged, if you make a mistake God is quick to forgive. It has taken 5 years to undo one year of damage. And we have to maintain every time a paycheck comes or a credit card offer. Be honest about your weaknesses. The shame is in the sin while it is being commited. There is no shame in seeking help, or being honest about God's power to overcomeweakness. Building Faith is a process that is well worth the work! 

"11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope-the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

-Titus 2:11-14

(It says "under contract"!!!!!!!) 

January

January 2013

Adalyn is 9 months going

She talks and knows a few words like dad, dog and meow

She crawls and pulls herself up

She has 2 teeth and 4 more coming in!

She still laughs, plays and smiles all the time

She loves to pull hair and make people scream

She loves daddy

And loves Sam

Samuel is 2 1/2

He talks constantly and is learning to say wordscorrectly

He is a big helper and a very busy guy who can usually keep himself entertained. 

He is learning to play with others and learning to be a big brother

He loves "fell man " (snowmen)

His favorite story is "Jesus died on the cross and he was sad" 

He loves to read and hear the Pete the cat stories 

He can go down the "big slide" all by himself at the park  

Panama

We leave in just 3 days. Sun, sand, heat(it's like -8 right now so I'm pretty stoked) and raw hearts ready to give and receive love. 

We are just about packed and are eager to board that first plane. 

I am not nervous or worried, not even a single bit. I know flying for 10 hours with 2 kids will be hard. I fully expect tantrums and screaming and fellow travelers who are annoyed with our children. But I'm not worried. Whatever happens it will pass. We may get stuck somewhere for hours with crabby tierd kids and us so exhausted we can barely carry our weary bodies. But I'm not worried. 

All these little details are apart of every day life for us. We are just going to experience them somewhere other than our house. 

Traveling is hard and we never want to not do something because it is hard. We don't want to miss out on growing as a family, but want to teach our children that "hard" is not bad. Those hard things often yield the best reward! 

So here we go as a family, flying to another country to share God's love with others. Thank you to everyone who helped make this possible. We will see you in 2weeks (give or take a few days). And will have lots of stories to share. 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7)