Confession: I Don't Sleep

I really don't, most nights I average 3-4 hours. My kids sleep almost all night now and with a few exceptions, have for several months. But I still find little rest. I say this not in complaint, because I am blessed with life, love and so many other things. I am great full, but sometimes I see mole hills as mountains. And sometimes 

My heart is wrought with sorrow. Overwhelmed by the constant stress of the last 3 years. 

When night falls I am left alone with memories, to-do lists, and no noise to calm my thoughts. Some nights, like tonight, it drives me mad. Some nights I awake from sleep in shear panic screaming for no reason at all. And it is so easy to become discouraged, to sit and dwell on past, pain and imperfections. Thinking of what could have been can over take all this IS precious right now. There are days, even weeks I surrender to these things. In them I find misery, anxiety and a pain. 

And I believe a large part of those who have shared these experiences feel the same. Pehaps you to have sorrow that cannot be stilled. 

But:

"Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery. “ LORD, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains. Let them praise the LORD for his great love and for the wonderful things he has done for them. For he broke down their prison gates of bronze; he cut apart their bars of iron.

He turns the fruitful land into salty wastelands, because of the wickedness of those who live there. But he also turns deserts into pools of water, the dry land into springs of water. He brings the hungry to settle there and to build their cities.

When they decrease in number and become impoverished through oppression, trouble, and sorrow, the LORD pours contempt on their princes, causing them to wander in trackless wastelands. But he rescues the poor from trouble and increases their families like flocks of sheep. The godly will see these things and be glad, while the wicked are struck silent. Those who are wise will take all this to heart; they will see in our history the faithful love of the LORD. (Psalms 107:8-16, 34-36, 39-43 NLT)

Oh what a struggle to take captive painful thoughts. It is easier to live in grief rather than bear it for its time and then release it. It is a constant and by constant I mean daily battle, to look at what God has done and give thanks. To look at life lost and give thanks for what we had and how I am changed. 

I don't know if I I will ever be "free" of night terrors. And I'm ok with that. 

When I hurt my ankle someone felt the need to pray for me. She prayed for immediate healing and that I would be free. It didn't work. Bummer! I was out for about 5weeks! I missed the 1/2 marathon I had been training for. Does that mean God didn't care, no! Was he just not listening? No! He had a different plan. God does not promise us immediate healing or life on earth. We haved buried a child, a father, an uncle, an aunt, and a niece. In the last two years. Oh the ache in my heart! But I have seen God. I know him more than a friend, I know him. Because I have been desperate and empty, I know his hurt. I know sacrifice and suffering, and I know I do not deserve the grace given to me on the cross. I don't deserve immediate healing, I haven't earned it. But God has promised me life with him in Heavan, and rest for my weary heart on earth. (John 3:16/ Matt 11:30) So tonight I will dig into God's word, I will pray, I will cry and ache. I will feel desperately empty, I will miss a baby I haven't held, a father I long to hug, and many more sweet people I wish I could be with. But I will find peace and sleep. 

Tonight I will spend 8 hours in bed, 3 of them wishing, waiting, in unrest. Then 1 in surrender, open to unconditional love, and then 3 in peaceful sleep. 

      "Come to me all who are weary and burden...you will find rest" -Matt 11:30